my mom says i'm special...

and my cpe supervisor says i'm too hard on myself. I now know at least one of them is right. Jill I apologize for assuming that this was all about me, and thank you for taking the time in the midst of a much harder cpe experience than mine to write, react, and be open.

This will probably be my last post on the readings for May/June, as I really hope to have July's reading up this weekend, but the move-in ministry is beginning, so we shall see. Anyway what jumped out at me this evening is the phrase "tormented spirits." Jesus healed sick bodies and tormented spirits. What does that mean? Were they possesed? maybe. Were they depressed? maybe. Were they demeted? maybe. Were they any combination of the residents I see on a daily basis? most definately. My cpe supervisor says we aren't here to heal and/or fix, and I think I agree with her. But if doctors and nurses are here to heal sick bodies or even better to bring comfort to sick bodies, shouldn't I have as my goal the same as Christ's? I think I figured out my unoffical goal for the summer (please don't tell my supervisor i'm adding goals) -- I will try to bring comfort to the tormented spirits I encounter each day.

Thanks

A big thank you to all those who sent words of encouragement to keep me posting for the summer. I'm in the process of changing the readings for the month of July so stay tuned. Tonight however I'm tired (too much supervision today), so I think I'll leave it at a thank you.

Blessings!

nothing jumps out

nothing in the readings really jumped out at me tonight, but I did want to check in and talk to myself for a while. Thanks to Jill for taking part in this relatively failed experiment. I have enjoyed hearing your cpe story from afar (where are you again?). As for me, today, I'm feeling pretty good about my Monday. Residents are difficult to track down and verbatims just feel like cheating when I do them during clinical hours, but I got to spend time with two wonderful women. Two women very much in touch with their own mortality (even wishing somedays it would come quickly), but nevertheless two women with a deep joy in God's blessing them with such bountiful lives. I'm not a good intercessory pray-er, but it isn't hard for me to give thanks and to offer prayers each day for these two fantastic women.

Let's go to the rest of the villages so I can preach there also. This is why I've come.

Today was probably my first normal day of CPE. I wasn't so nervous I hid in an office all morning, but I also didn't spend 6 hours in clinicals bored to tears because no residents were to be found. It really was a nice day. But the highlight for me was the opportunity to preach at the Wednesday Healing Eucharist this morning. While it was only a 5 minute sermon (one that I was relatively pleased with, but certainly wasn't a masterpiece), I really felt like I connected with the congregation present. Not only that, but I had the chance to preach on a feast day for a saint with whom I had not familiarity. Oh and I wrote it yesterday. All sorts of things that will be real in ministry came true for me during this sermon today. I'm glad that I'm not called to a ministry of healing (there'd be a lot of disappointed folks). Instead, like Jesus I know my calling, and for that I'm eternally thankful.

Gentle Jesus... God's word of healing to us

What a week. I got up to go to CPE today and for the first time since Wednesday I had something close to the energy to go forth and be God's hand and feet today. Without God's word of healing today would have been just another in a series of blurred days until I finally get to rest in December of this year. But instead, today I was blessed with the Grace of God. I was given the ability to go back to CPE with my life relatively unchanged. Joe and Sarah don't have that luxury, but I am certain that God's word of healing speaks to them even more so than it has spoken to me the past few days. I realize I have no right, nor ability to express the grief our community feels at this time, but I just wanted to remind myself (and anyone who might stumble across this site) of the hope that is within me, the peace of God which passes all understanding.

For a Person in Trouble or Bereavement (BCP 831)

O merciful Father, you have taught us in your holy Word that you do not willingly afflict or grieve your children: Look with pity upon the sorrows of Joe, Sarah, Lucy, the entire Hensley-White family, and the larger community of friends for whom our prayers are offered. Remember them, O Lord, in mercy, nourish their souls with patience, comfort them with a sense of your goodness, lift up your countenance upon them, and give them peace; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Let us bless the Lord,
thanks be to God.

summer camp

i've spent the last week and a half trying to find a redeeming quality for doing cpe at GH. by redeeming i don't mean redeeming of course i mean instead difficult. listening to folks talk about their hellatious overnights or tourtorous peer critique sessions i must admit i feel a little guilty about the summer camp qualities of GH. of course i am learning a lot about myself as a minister to God's people, but i'm not learning about myself on no sleep or myself reduced to tears by my supervisor. anyway i realized as i was reading today that most of what i selected as readings don't apply to my site or experience in anyway. so to all of you who are working your tails off to further God's kingdom, my prayers are with you. to those of us at GH there will be times of difficulty, but for the most part thank God each day for the blessing we have received.

he... took her hand

so i finally did it. we moved to the other GH location this afternoon, and i felt so comfortable walking into a room and meeting a person in their home. it was a great experience. i feel energized and excited about the remainder of my time in CPE. this is quite an accomplishment for me as i spent the majority of my church years avoiding trips to long-term care facilities. but today was great. we ended with a prayer and a handshake and i could feel the encouragement of God in that touch. what a great day.

this is why i've come

seems like my CPE experience is going to be a lot of hurry up and wait. i was shocked to hear today that this is the most scheduled and organized year of CPE ever at GH. as a strong type-a this was suprising because we have up to 4 hour chunks of time called "clincals" which means a whole lot of things. my supervisor and her assistant have been challenging me to live into this flux and to be really present in the now. is this why i've come to GH for CPE? so that i can learn how to be more present instead of focusing on what i'm going to say, think, do, learn next? i guess that wouldn't be so bad. i'll keep you posted.

I can see the image of Jesus...

... sort of.

Many of the residents at my CPE site are suffering at some level from dementia. Today I had the pleasure of speaking with 4 of the more extreme cases. The folks I spoke with today looked anxious, they acted very confused, and often repeated stories many, many times. But still I got a glimpse of what the EOW prayers asks, "Be with us now, that we may know your presence in one another" Each person I spoke with today from the Jewish man to the Unitarian woman were made in the image of God; the same image in which Jesus was made. And to some extent, even though their minds have fully failed them I was still able to see God's presence in their eyes. That's pretty neat.

who'd a thought EOW would come in handy

as many of y'all know i have a deep seated dislike for some of the langauge in EOW1. what you might have gathered from our readings, however, is my utter delight at the high quality work EOW2 turned out to be. tonight, after an 8 hour day of hospice training i am preparing for tomorrow, our first real day of CPE. Since we started on Wednesday the Hensley-White family has dealt with the struggle of a seriously ill infant and the Nancy Scott found out her brother had passed away. What a crappy five days. So tonight I sit here tired and nervous but thankful for the words, "Be with us now, that we may know your presence in one another and rise up in joy to greet you." My hope is tomorrow and each day I might come to know God; Father, Son, and Holy Spirit in my fellow CPE students, my residents, and my supervisor so that joy might fill my heart.

Don't forget Jesus prayed

I was greeted by a resident today who said, "nice to meet you steve, you look tired." And man was she ever right. I am tired. I think one of my growing edges this summer will be realizing the utter weakness of my own human power. Compared to the cosmic power of God; Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, I don't have a whole lot to offer. What I do have I can only offer to God in the hopes that He might in His divine providence work through me. Even Jesus was where I am right now from time to time. How many times do we read about him going off to a secluded place at night to pray. If Jesus himself needed time to recharge in the Father, than who am I to do it all on my own.

God, I look and am tired. Take this weak body and build it up so that you might work through me to the honor and glory of your name.

That we may know your presence in one another

Words are short today. The prayer and words above really struck home. I had the opportunity in this busy week to visit St. Elizabeth's Mental Hospital as a member of my spiritual fellowship. (If you are a "friend of bill" you will know of what I speak)

So there I was amongst the marginalized talking about steps and the joy of life. Out lives as it turned were so different in their outward makeup. Yet we shared the same emotions and difficulties living one day at a time.

The bonus of course is that I got to leave. As much as I was there for them I found that they were there for me. "But for the grace of God go I" If grace is grace it is the great equalizer. None of us is running the show!

Jill's post from 1 June 05

I have never blogged before but here goes. I have now finished day two of CPE and we have yet to do anything real except get tons of information I feel I can't possibly remember. What struck me in the reading is that Jesus was able to heal the sick. He just gets to ask God and make them better. I feel somewhat helpless about what I can really do for the patients. I wish I could heal them all, but alas what this reading tells me is that I am not in charge. God is in control and all I can do is walk with them and pray with them as frustrating as this may sometimes be. Hope everyone is getting off to a good start! THis is fun looking forward to doing more. Thanks Steve!-Jill

Jesus, if you want to...

I had my first bout with anxiety today. Some know that my history is rampant with purposfully avoiding hospitals and nursing homes. They just give me the hee-bee-jee-bees. I'm not really sure why, maybe CPE will help me figure it out. Myers-Briggs says that I am a borderline E/I. For the most part I like to pretend I'm a big bad E who has no situation to fear, but today I really felt the I in me coming out. We went in our groups of 3 to our assigned wing of the nursing unit today. Never before have I been so excited to appear at a place during naptime. Only two residents were awake at the time, so the three of us paraded into their rooms like baptists looking for converts and introduced ourselves. The first woman was reading old yearbooks and really didn't want to be bothered.... gulp. The second lady was eating lunch and shouldn't have wanted to be bothered, but invited us in and had us all laughing within minutes. This was of course good for me, even though I for the most part was able to skirt the whole being pastoral thing for another day.

The "if you want to" part of the healing story jumped out to me today. I've kind of been saying that in the weeks leading up to this experience. "Jesus, if you want to you can make this process easy and relatively painless." If today is any indication, he has responded, "I want to."

Being sent

This is a good reminder. Jesus got up in the dark to pray. He got up before the light to be light. How often do I work off my own vapors and fail even to ask for help. Even in ministry I can be idolarous trusting my own strength when there is one better.

I'm not sure how it relates but as an image it has been whirling in mi cabeza as I prepare to head south on Saturday. The image will make its way into a sermon on the 12th. How yet I'm not sure. Basically it flips the image of Hansel and Gretal. To find there way home Hansel and Gretal leave breadcrumbs so that they may retrace their steps. In an experience of late, it was revealed that all my "moments" of God hold an element of homecoming. Those moments I am most aware of God in the Spirit reminds me of coming home.

I wonder if this is the reason we are sent? We seek. We journey. We preach the gospel. We do these things not because of us but, to become delivered into awareness of grace. As Christians we are sent to continue to discover those moments of bread on the journey back home. For us it is not to travel back over the road we have already tread. For Christians it is to travel forward trusting that Our deliverer will bring us further into wholeness; further home.

no sooner was she up

what struck me today was the section of the passage surrounding Simon's mother-in-law. No sooner was she healed than she was up fixing dinner. That's my story today. No sooner was I home from CPE day 1 than I was fixing dinner. However I had it easy for 2 reasons.

1 - today was Goodwin House orientation day so there was no processing, no trauma, and no real work.

2 - i came home early (2 pm) and was able to start dinner for my dear friends the cairns.

If these two things had not happened I wonder how bright-eyed and bushy-tailed I would be to make dinner. Obviously Simon's m-i-l had a rough time of it, but even more so Jesus was able to help her overcome. I assume I'll have days that are rough, Lord Jesus help me overcome.