a special place in heaven

Bless physicians, nurses, and all others who minister to the suffering, granting them wisdom and skill, sympathy and patience;
Hear us, O Lord of life.

I think we'll all agree that my CPE experience has been unique. Part of that uniqueness has been seeing nurses in an entirely new light. As some of you know my mom just graduated from nursing school in May. Today she's working at one of Pennsylvania's top hospitals as an RN and loving it. Her schooling and job has had a large impact on how I see nurses, but this is mostly in a hospital setting. My past experience seeing private physicians (which has been ruined by Kaiser) gave me an idea of what nursing was like in private practice. This summer however has really opened my eyes to a special kind of nurse, the assisted living and health care unit nurse, especially the nurses in the dementia units. In this particular facility they are all women, so I can say without a doubt that these women deserve a special place in heaven. As Jesus told James and John, (Mark 10:43-44) "whoever wishes to become great among you must be your servant, 44 and whoever wishes to be first among you must be slave of all." These nurses are servants, they suffer with Christ each day as they enter into the world of pain, confusion, and fear that the residents in their charge live in every moment. The care with which they treat these people (who admittedly would have had nothing to do with them earlier in life) is awe inspiring. If only I could treat the other with such care and compassion.

I am the Resurrection, I am the Life ....

Today, after watching a four hour open heart surgery I was exhausted as I began my rounds and was checking in on folks that I met with earlier this week. I was shocked out of my weariness by the news that a patient that I thought was nearing the end had made a nearly miraculous recovery last night and while things are still not stable, they are vastly improved. The family is still waiting and watching, but there is light and there is life ... though a tough journey lies ahead.

God's prevenient Grace is there, and while not everyone will get a new lease on life on earth, there IS Joy in life and there is the Hope of the Resurrection ... It was one of those good days after bad, like the rain that comes and brings cooler weather. What will tomorrow hold?

Almighty God, you gave us life at birth and you gave your only Son so that we might have eternal rest with you, let us feel your grace and your arms enfolding us as we walk our journey here on earth; and let us always remember that you are with us, and round about us on the way as we make our journey with your son, our Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen

God's Providence in the Midst of Sorrow and Devastation

It was one of those days when one's faith is tested; it was one of those days when the happy, optimistic, simplistic theologies of my past must die in order to have a new theology be resurrected in its place.

I spent much of the morning with a family that was devastated by a tragic episode (sorry that details must be vague). I felt myself also soaking up their sadness and desolation while I sat with them, while I held them, and while I listened to them try to make sense of a senseless situation. I was scheduled to preach today (and did) at the Seminary, and was going to focus upon the JOY of the man who found a treasure in a field (in Jesus parable in Matthew 13) and then because of this Joy he sells all that he has to gain the treasure...I had been so pleased to do some exegesis and word study on the word for Joy in Greek...

However, after my day, it was hard to see where the Joy was, and hard to feel God's presence and God's providence in the midst of such sorrow and devastation. I found myself praying deeply and silently (as Steve mentioned in his post) - and saying the Jesus Prayer as I offered hope for healing, for the patient, and for the family, and for me. On my "standard" days - if there is such a thing, I pray that Jesus is with me as I walk the floors and do my rounds with patients. Today, I felt as if I were suspended over the chasm, suspended over the abyss along wiht the family and my prayer was out of extreme need and a sense that only Christ could help. Christ, who suffered such cruelty in life on earth, and who died for us has the power to heal ... but it is easier to understand and visualize in a healing service than in a Traumatic situation.

I pray that God's grace be with all those who are sick, especially those that are critically so -- I pray that God's grace be with all those who remember and care for the sick, the dying, and those who have died; and I pray that Christ walk with me as I strive to integrate this CPE experience into my life and my ministry, through Christ our Lord, our Companion, and our Backup. Amen.

The akward middle stage.

Grant to the dying peace and a holy death, and uphold by the grace and consolation of your Holy Spirit those who are bereaved;
Hear us, O Lord of life.

I've talked briefly about my experience with hopsice at Goodwin House. Today I'm pondering my experiece with the Ministry to the Sick book offered by ECUSA. Peter and I spent a fair amount of time with our resident today and left wondering what we could have done differently. Most of the scripture stories tell of miraculous healings. A large portion of the prayers are for the restoration of health. The only option is the Ministration at the Time of Death, which, let me tell you, feels mighty inappropriate with a person who is awake, sitting under their own power, and able to communicate verbally. I don't really want to pray for her holy death if she's not ready to comprehend it, but I'm really at a loss. I guess that just leaves the chaplain with a lot of silence. I hate external processors. The only thing I hate more than that is silence. I always have a radio or TV on in the background. I need something to stimulate my mind to keep it from wondering. But today was a little different. We had no choice but to sit in silence, and it was in that silence that I began to understand the power of the moment God had blessed me to be a part of. It is in the silence that God speaks to the patient, to the chaplain, and to the mutual "us" that exists in the room. Today, I fought the silence initially, but was ever so glad for it by the end.

where does health end and salvation begin?

God the Father, your will for all people is health and salvation;

We praise you and thank you, O Lord.

Goodwin House has an interesting hospice classification, "failure to thrive." I've been tracking a hospice patient for 5 weeks now based on her diagnosis "failure to thrive due to severe dementia." Thing is, she walks without help, spends most of the day out mingling with the rest of the residents, sometimes I get really confused as to why she's on hospice. But today I realized, health is not an option, but salvation is. This woman will not recover from her deteriorating condition, but she can still know God's will. My prayer is no longer for this resident to know God's healing power on Earth, but instead to know His saving embrace in the eternal now. I guess I get it know.

a two day post

i began to write this yesterday but ran out of time before lunch and never got back to it. So here's yesterday's and today's in one handy installment.

Mend broken relationships, and restore those in emotional distress to soundness of mind and serenity of spirit;
Hear us, O Lord of life.

I've never had the chance to debrief a father immediately following his child's baptism, until last night. The proud papa last night was stressed, to the point of distress. The guest of honor was late, the gown was difficult to put on, the video camera was without battery, and the older sister was hellbent on climbing into the pulpit. It was... a baptism. I have yet to see an infant baptism that didn't have its difficulties, that didn't embarrass the parents; it just doesn't happen. But to understand what that emotional distress does to a parent who is trying to worship their God and to make promises on their child's behalf was enlightening. I think it is Desmond Tutu who has been credited with saying that a empty stomach has no ears. I would say this is equally true of a distressed mind. After explaining to Chris what the sermon was about, and how the priest nearly set his son on fire I realized that the stress of the event blinded him to all that was going on. Now the challenge comes in figuring out how to return people to soundness of mind and serenity of spirit in these types of situations.


With you, O Lord, is the well of life:
And in your light we see light.

Can anyone tell me what this sentance means? I get the first part that we draw our living water from God as water from a well. But what does it mean to see light in light? I know this really has nothing to do with CPE or my summer in general, but we pray this litany every week here at Goodwin House and I always trip up here. I can see the light of Christ, but what light am I looking for within that? I am kind of hoping that if I process this enough here I'll figure it out, but as I sit here staring at And in your light we see light I'm just getting more confused. So I guess I'm issuing a challenge to anyone reading this, what does it mean to see light in light? Thanks in advance for making this litany easier for me to pray.

the Kingdom of God

I've spent some time this week reflecting on Matthew's description of the way that Christ described the Kingdom of God - mustard seed - yeast - treasure in a field - pearl of great price. The first two are incredibly ordinary, yet they bring about extraordinary results that are surprising and create wonder. The second two are extraordinary in and of themselves. The Kingdom of God is both extremely ordinary and is also extremely extraordinary.

As I move through the second half of my CPE experience I have seen the breaking in of the Kingdom into my life - sometimes in seemingly ordinary moments - and sometimes in radically extraordinary moments. I have gone deep into myself and deep into my own fears, anxiety, and baggage that I bring into ministry. By no means am I now "well adjusted," or without issues - but I have delved deeply into myself as I have encountered my brothers and sisters who are in pain and are contemplating the darkness of the abyss. I have seen the great tree that grows from the mustard seed; I have been fed by the bread that came from the yeast of the Holy Spirit; I have found hidden treasure in fields where others may not see them; and I have seen so many pearls of great price.

I echo Steve's feeling of gratitude toward his supervisor and his colleagues in his program. I also am so thankful for God's grace in my life, and the presence of Christ in all moments of life.

the Lord indeed does wonders

You are the Lord who does wonders:
You have declared your power among the peoples.

My verbatim group had our mid-unit evaluation meeting today. I know what you are thinking, "isn't it kinda late for a mid-unit eval?" That's exactly what we were all thinking, but i'm not going to argue with my CPE supervisor, are you? But Ruth isn't your typical CPE supervisor, she has a real heart for God, for CPE students, and for the priesthood. Her goal isn't to make us into 9 future chaplains; no, she wants us to develop into the best priest's we can be with the help of a Benedictine model to CPE. The Lord has done wonders for me so far this summer, and I have no doubt He will continue to do so. Today's little wonder occured when Ruth told us why we had mid-unit's so late. "We spent to weeks after little Alice died starting over, so here we sit really at the middle of our new unit." Thanks Ruth, I think we all needed that time to start over, to heal, and to be open again to the power of God declared to His people.

God is ...

God is. God is present. Thank the Lord!

Well, it seems that my rant last night about wondering about God and God's presence in my CPE work had some effect...perhaps not on God, but at least on me. Today I had a couple of wonderful interactions with people along with a whole lot of more minor ones that left me thinking that perhaps this whole experience might have some use ... sometimes it seems like a grind and a pain, and a chore, rather than a joy. However, the joy of being with someone and caring for them while they grieve and are in pain is indescribable. The opportunities to truly experience someone's humanity are rare and I sometimes tend to overlook them. But I have found some amazing, profound moments that wash over me and are a great gift. Sure, the work is a chore at times - just like full-time ordained ministry will be; but I am recognizing more and more the "peace which passeth all understanding," that comes from God's presence with us and with our fellow children of God.

I also know that tomorrow may be a tedious day, and I will need to pray and strive to recognize God's presence in the tedium as well as in the profound moments at the beginning and end of life. That is my prayer for tomorrow:

Almighty and merciful God, you are in the whirlwind, the thunder, the lightning, but you are also in the gradual and often mistakable shifts in the exterior weather and the interior climates of our lives; may we seek and serve you in all of these elements of your creation and may we come to see that we can be your agents of reconciliation and agents of care as we do your work in the world; through your Son, Jesus Christ, who came to care for us but also to redeem the world so that we might experience your Kingdom. Amen.

presence

Grant to all who seek your guidance, and to all who are lonely, anxious, or despondent, a knowledge of your will and an awareness of your presence;
Hear us, O Lord of life.

Is your CPE supervisor all about "the ministry of presence?" mine is, and for the life of me I couldn't figure out what the hell she meant, until today. I spent two hours with a resident today. 30 minutes was spent in our usual pattern of chat, "they think i'm crazy, they don't know how to tell time, but i just do what i'm told..." Then after some convincing I got her to join me at music therapy. For 90 minutes we just sat next to each other. Sure we occasionally spoke a few words, but mostly we sat and experienced music therapy together. At one point she looked at what would be her watch if she could see and said, "I was going to leave a half hour ago, but... (long pause)... I'm having so much fun." SCORE!!!! I might be making a difference after all. Then as she got up to leave so walked a few steps then turned back to look me straight in the eye(ish region, remember she's basically blind) and said with the most sincerity I've ever felt, "Thank you."

Maybe today this portion of the litany was answered two fold. First, I felt God's presence in all my anxiety, searching deeply for guidance, by just being-with this 90 some-odd year-old woman. And maybe, just maybe, a lonely widow felt God's presence through me. At least I hope she did, I owe her that much.

Grazie, Gracias, Grace

Steve,

I thank you for these three recent posts. I have fallen into a stretch in CPE where I have trouble discerning where God is in all this. I think that my own confusion about where God is for me in my recent experiences is perhaps because my patients also wonder where God is, and probably don't even know how to ask, or don't even know that they may be in spiritual confusion, or despair. So, as I recognize my own confusion, I pray that God will indeed make himself known to me in those smal moments that are holy - in the small blessings I say for people as I enter and exit a room, in the prayers I offer over the list of patients that I look over at the start of the day, and in the pounding-heartbeat moments that accompany my "code" beeper going off before I move with haste to see if the staff will be able to usher someone back to life. God is. God is, of course in all these moments, and God's grace is present through all of these struggles; even my own with my impatience, and eagerness to be done with CPE. I am thankful - in Spanish: Gracias, in Italian: Grazie...but I know that even in this thankfulness is God's grace.

I appreciate these recent posts, brother, as I pray to know Christ and make him known as I visit patients, and as I wander the halls sometimes without a clear purpose; I pray that Jesus is with me, as I know he is.

Peace, Have a good week.

Peter C.

a temple????

God the Holy Spirit, you make our bodies the temple of your presence;
We praise you and thank you, O Lord.

Dealing with the elderly everyday is tough. Knowing what to say. Working out communication problems. Dealing with their weakness and vulnerability. Dealing with my own weakness and vulnerability. But what's hardest for me, what makes me scared of getting old is the general deterioration of their bodies. In the Litany for Healing we thank God the Holy Spirit for making out bodies her temple, and when I look at how I treat my body I wonder if I'm paying homage to that temple. But looking at how the aging process, how time (chronos), affects these temples it is hard for me to see God at work. It is hard to see God in the man who is incontinent. It is hard to see the light of Christ in a woman whose eyes are clouded by cataracts. It is hard to find a place for the Holy Spirit in the tiny hunched over woman suffering from osteoporosis. But yet, God is still there in the midst of them and at work through them. That is what is exciting about CPE at Goodwin House; in spite of what appears to be insurmountable physical ailments, God is present in His temple, in the body, mind, and spirit of these fantastic people.

patience

Bless physicians, nurses, and all others who minister to the suffering, granting them wisdom and skill, sympathy and patience;
Hear us, O Lord of life.

I'm not good at patience. I'm smart enough, however, to know that one shouldn't pray for patience. My mom prayed for patience and got my sister. My wife prayed for patience and got my mom. I'm not going to pray for patience, but I think I've been praying for it without knowing it for quite sometime. Maybe that' s why my CPE summercamp experience is teaching me so much about patience. One resident is awake and heard of hearing, but her roommate is asleep; not a good time. Both residents are asleep in the next room. My new resident is crabby, but wants nothing to do with me. I feel useless for a good part of my week here, but I know God is teaching me things and maybe even using me to minister to my residents. Still, I can't help but wonder if by responding, "Hear us, O Lord of life," I have prayed accidentally for patience and God has been so kind as to answer that prayer. D'oh!!!

Bad Blogger

Ok i'll admit it, I'm lazy. Well maybe not lazy, but at least a creature of habit. It took me but one day to fall out of the blogging habit, and it'll take me weeks to get back into it. Reading over the litany for healing this morning I couldn't help but be struck by the concluding collect.

Almighty God, giver of life and health: Send your blessing on all who are sick, and upon those who minister to them, that all weakness may be vanquished by the triumph of the risen Christ; who lives and reigns for ever and ever. Amen.

My weakness right now is the business of everyday life. Between 42.5 hrs a week of CPE, move-in ministry, a wife, some exercise, and the semblance of a social life I find myself pretty dang busy. Prayer and quiet time are built into my day at CPE so that feels like its going well, but I find myself craving an outlet for what's going on. I guess that's why I setup this blog, so why the heck don't I use it??? Well, becuase I'm busy of course. So I guess as I pray this collect I'm asking my weakness of business will be vanquished by Christ. Wouldn't that be cool?

Ugh...

I have been very absent from this blog and wanted to add a few things....

On Sunday, I planned the service at my CPE site and preached as well; which was a good practice, I have no idea how it went, since there was only ONE person there besides the organist and the volunteer (and that One person left during the sermon). However, I had my first chance at Televangelism, as my sermon was on all patients televisions throughout the hospital. I think my sermon was ok as far as it was written, but preaching to an empty chapel was strange, to say the least. After a long weekend of being on-call, I am feeling wasted and was so uninspired today at CPE.

So, there is my gripe.

On a more positive note, we had our mid-unit reviews last week; and there was a lot of good stuff that was stirred up in me that I am in the midst of reflecting on and trying to understand. I'd like to think that I learned some things over the last couple of weeks about myself - lots of good affirmation, and also some constructive and honest criticism - that might actually help me as I move toward ordained ministry - I know it is hard to sustain these "learnings," but I am hopeful ... we'll see.

I'm looking forward to "CPE Day" on Wednesday, it will be good to have a break in the daily / weekly pattern ...

You all are in my daily prayers, and at least CPE has enlivened my own prayer life ...

Peace to all,

Peter C.