Thanksgiving

I echo Steve's exhaustion and need to slack...as we end CPE and celebrate that ending, I know we'll each have our new beginnings ... field ed...homiletics ... the "library circle" reconvening ... for me, we'll have a new addition here at home and I will try to integrate some of the good that I've learned this summer into myself as I embark a bit further on this journey with Christ ... below is the prayer I wrote to include in my final evaluation of my CPE unit ...

Thanks go out to Steve for this blog, but also for his pastoral work this summer with our class and the entering class as the de facto Main Man of the Move In Coordination! He stepped in where others feared to go (or were too lazy or disorganized!)...thanks go out to Steve!

Almighty God, you became incarnate as a human being and have lived, taught, preached, healed, suffered and died so that we might be redeemed and come into your saving embrace; you have called us to be subject to one another and to seek and serve you in all persons; support us as we do this essential ministry of healing, of presence, of caring, and of sustaining our sisters and brothers as they are sick, suffering, in despair, and as they approach the end of their lives; give us strength for the journey, allow us to be vulnerable and open with others, and allow us to feel your presence among us as we do your work of reconciliation in this broken world; through your Son, Jesus Christ our Savior and Redeemer. Amen.

back to slacking

now that i have a handle on just how big a project my end of unit evaluation will be, now that i've finalized the list of moves over the next week and a half, now that i'm exhausted, i think i'll take this time to slack on my posts. i hope to do it periodically over the next two weeks, but want to take the time to thank all those who contributed to this blog as well as those who read it. i gained a lot of perspective by reflecting (almost) daily about my experience, and i hope y'all did too.

a special place in heaven

Bless physicians, nurses, and all others who minister to the suffering, granting them wisdom and skill, sympathy and patience;
Hear us, O Lord of life.

I think we'll all agree that my CPE experience has been unique. Part of that uniqueness has been seeing nurses in an entirely new light. As some of you know my mom just graduated from nursing school in May. Today she's working at one of Pennsylvania's top hospitals as an RN and loving it. Her schooling and job has had a large impact on how I see nurses, but this is mostly in a hospital setting. My past experience seeing private physicians (which has been ruined by Kaiser) gave me an idea of what nursing was like in private practice. This summer however has really opened my eyes to a special kind of nurse, the assisted living and health care unit nurse, especially the nurses in the dementia units. In this particular facility they are all women, so I can say without a doubt that these women deserve a special place in heaven. As Jesus told James and John, (Mark 10:43-44) "whoever wishes to become great among you must be your servant, 44 and whoever wishes to be first among you must be slave of all." These nurses are servants, they suffer with Christ each day as they enter into the world of pain, confusion, and fear that the residents in their charge live in every moment. The care with which they treat these people (who admittedly would have had nothing to do with them earlier in life) is awe inspiring. If only I could treat the other with such care and compassion.

I am the Resurrection, I am the Life ....

Today, after watching a four hour open heart surgery I was exhausted as I began my rounds and was checking in on folks that I met with earlier this week. I was shocked out of my weariness by the news that a patient that I thought was nearing the end had made a nearly miraculous recovery last night and while things are still not stable, they are vastly improved. The family is still waiting and watching, but there is light and there is life ... though a tough journey lies ahead.

God's prevenient Grace is there, and while not everyone will get a new lease on life on earth, there IS Joy in life and there is the Hope of the Resurrection ... It was one of those good days after bad, like the rain that comes and brings cooler weather. What will tomorrow hold?

Almighty God, you gave us life at birth and you gave your only Son so that we might have eternal rest with you, let us feel your grace and your arms enfolding us as we walk our journey here on earth; and let us always remember that you are with us, and round about us on the way as we make our journey with your son, our Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen

God's Providence in the Midst of Sorrow and Devastation

It was one of those days when one's faith is tested; it was one of those days when the happy, optimistic, simplistic theologies of my past must die in order to have a new theology be resurrected in its place.

I spent much of the morning with a family that was devastated by a tragic episode (sorry that details must be vague). I felt myself also soaking up their sadness and desolation while I sat with them, while I held them, and while I listened to them try to make sense of a senseless situation. I was scheduled to preach today (and did) at the Seminary, and was going to focus upon the JOY of the man who found a treasure in a field (in Jesus parable in Matthew 13) and then because of this Joy he sells all that he has to gain the treasure...I had been so pleased to do some exegesis and word study on the word for Joy in Greek...

However, after my day, it was hard to see where the Joy was, and hard to feel God's presence and God's providence in the midst of such sorrow and devastation. I found myself praying deeply and silently (as Steve mentioned in his post) - and saying the Jesus Prayer as I offered hope for healing, for the patient, and for the family, and for me. On my "standard" days - if there is such a thing, I pray that Jesus is with me as I walk the floors and do my rounds with patients. Today, I felt as if I were suspended over the chasm, suspended over the abyss along wiht the family and my prayer was out of extreme need and a sense that only Christ could help. Christ, who suffered such cruelty in life on earth, and who died for us has the power to heal ... but it is easier to understand and visualize in a healing service than in a Traumatic situation.

I pray that God's grace be with all those who are sick, especially those that are critically so -- I pray that God's grace be with all those who remember and care for the sick, the dying, and those who have died; and I pray that Christ walk with me as I strive to integrate this CPE experience into my life and my ministry, through Christ our Lord, our Companion, and our Backup. Amen.

The akward middle stage.

Grant to the dying peace and a holy death, and uphold by the grace and consolation of your Holy Spirit those who are bereaved;
Hear us, O Lord of life.

I've talked briefly about my experience with hopsice at Goodwin House. Today I'm pondering my experiece with the Ministry to the Sick book offered by ECUSA. Peter and I spent a fair amount of time with our resident today and left wondering what we could have done differently. Most of the scripture stories tell of miraculous healings. A large portion of the prayers are for the restoration of health. The only option is the Ministration at the Time of Death, which, let me tell you, feels mighty inappropriate with a person who is awake, sitting under their own power, and able to communicate verbally. I don't really want to pray for her holy death if she's not ready to comprehend it, but I'm really at a loss. I guess that just leaves the chaplain with a lot of silence. I hate external processors. The only thing I hate more than that is silence. I always have a radio or TV on in the background. I need something to stimulate my mind to keep it from wondering. But today was a little different. We had no choice but to sit in silence, and it was in that silence that I began to understand the power of the moment God had blessed me to be a part of. It is in the silence that God speaks to the patient, to the chaplain, and to the mutual "us" that exists in the room. Today, I fought the silence initially, but was ever so glad for it by the end.

where does health end and salvation begin?

God the Father, your will for all people is health and salvation;

We praise you and thank you, O Lord.

Goodwin House has an interesting hospice classification, "failure to thrive." I've been tracking a hospice patient for 5 weeks now based on her diagnosis "failure to thrive due to severe dementia." Thing is, she walks without help, spends most of the day out mingling with the rest of the residents, sometimes I get really confused as to why she's on hospice. But today I realized, health is not an option, but salvation is. This woman will not recover from her deteriorating condition, but she can still know God's will. My prayer is no longer for this resident to know God's healing power on Earth, but instead to know His saving embrace in the eternal now. I guess I get it know.

a two day post

i began to write this yesterday but ran out of time before lunch and never got back to it. So here's yesterday's and today's in one handy installment.

Mend broken relationships, and restore those in emotional distress to soundness of mind and serenity of spirit;
Hear us, O Lord of life.

I've never had the chance to debrief a father immediately following his child's baptism, until last night. The proud papa last night was stressed, to the point of distress. The guest of honor was late, the gown was difficult to put on, the video camera was without battery, and the older sister was hellbent on climbing into the pulpit. It was... a baptism. I have yet to see an infant baptism that didn't have its difficulties, that didn't embarrass the parents; it just doesn't happen. But to understand what that emotional distress does to a parent who is trying to worship their God and to make promises on their child's behalf was enlightening. I think it is Desmond Tutu who has been credited with saying that a empty stomach has no ears. I would say this is equally true of a distressed mind. After explaining to Chris what the sermon was about, and how the priest nearly set his son on fire I realized that the stress of the event blinded him to all that was going on. Now the challenge comes in figuring out how to return people to soundness of mind and serenity of spirit in these types of situations.


With you, O Lord, is the well of life:
And in your light we see light.

Can anyone tell me what this sentance means? I get the first part that we draw our living water from God as water from a well. But what does it mean to see light in light? I know this really has nothing to do with CPE or my summer in general, but we pray this litany every week here at Goodwin House and I always trip up here. I can see the light of Christ, but what light am I looking for within that? I am kind of hoping that if I process this enough here I'll figure it out, but as I sit here staring at And in your light we see light I'm just getting more confused. So I guess I'm issuing a challenge to anyone reading this, what does it mean to see light in light? Thanks in advance for making this litany easier for me to pray.

the Kingdom of God

I've spent some time this week reflecting on Matthew's description of the way that Christ described the Kingdom of God - mustard seed - yeast - treasure in a field - pearl of great price. The first two are incredibly ordinary, yet they bring about extraordinary results that are surprising and create wonder. The second two are extraordinary in and of themselves. The Kingdom of God is both extremely ordinary and is also extremely extraordinary.

As I move through the second half of my CPE experience I have seen the breaking in of the Kingdom into my life - sometimes in seemingly ordinary moments - and sometimes in radically extraordinary moments. I have gone deep into myself and deep into my own fears, anxiety, and baggage that I bring into ministry. By no means am I now "well adjusted," or without issues - but I have delved deeply into myself as I have encountered my brothers and sisters who are in pain and are contemplating the darkness of the abyss. I have seen the great tree that grows from the mustard seed; I have been fed by the bread that came from the yeast of the Holy Spirit; I have found hidden treasure in fields where others may not see them; and I have seen so many pearls of great price.

I echo Steve's feeling of gratitude toward his supervisor and his colleagues in his program. I also am so thankful for God's grace in my life, and the presence of Christ in all moments of life.